Had a sleepover last night and the toilet was at the other end of the house. TWIST the living room had been converted into a bedroom and you have to walk through it. Didn’t think too much about it until I couldn’t open the second door thus waking up a heavily tattooed man in his jocks (did I mention I was in my jocks?) which was awkward but I got out eventually. Then after I went to the toilet I stood in fear upon realising I’d have to go back through and he’d be fully awake.

Made small chit chat, booked flights to move to the Russian midlands into a cave where I can reflect on all embarrassing things that have happened in my life.

Submitted without penis in my mouth.

Submitted without penis in my mouth.

Jessica Mauboy

I am very excited that she will be performing at Eurovision. I hope she songs Burn because if the fruit ninja frenzy that occurs at the Peel at 3am on a Saturday night is anything to go by Australia might get a special spot like Israel does next year.

I just realised my dance move for any R. Kelly song is to mimic pissing on everyone.

I will not be lectured about ignitions by this man.

I’ve not drunk red wine on a night out since 2003. Good luck gardens everywhere.